Getting help with disordered eating Topic

Kyoskat 03/25/22
Hi, sweethearts! Let me just share something, alright?


I suffered through anorexia. I did not understand what it meant, yet I would see it portrayed on the media. It started small; one day I stood in front of my mirror & studied my stomach. I didn’t like the “fat” I was collecting at my hips, and so in my mind I decided: “What if I start eating less? Maybe one meal a day?”

Through my naive mind, I started to do just that. At 12PM each day, I’d prepare one ramen bowl. It was pre-packaged, and it didn’t contain any nutritional value. I’d eat that, only managing to eat half of it. It was all well; in my mind I thought I was doing something great for myself. I thought that I was looking better now that I was losing weight.

Through that, my anorexia evolved again. I thought to myself: “What if I just don’t eat at all? Would that be better?” And so, that’s what I began to do. The first time I went a full day without eating, I was feeling conflicting emotions. I didn’t know if I should feel proud or worried that I could possibly be deteriorating my health. In the back of my mind, I knew that I’ve developed anorexia; I simply didn’t care. I was desperate to lose weight. To have an “ideal body.”

My parents didn’t catch on to what I was doing at first; they were at work all day, and I’d see them at 6PM. Whenever they’d ask me if I’ve eaten, I’d shrug them off & lie. In a sense, this is the contributing factor as to why my anorexia went so far.

I vividly remember the day my mom commented: “What the hell is happening to you? Why do you look so thin?” I got defensive & told her to mind her own business. In my head, I was happy. I was getting recognition for my hard work starving myself! We got into a heated argument, and I made her cry. I felt like scum. I made my mother cry, and all because she was worried about me.

Then, my hair started to fall out. I would comb a hand through my hair, and a chunk of hair would rest on my palms when I retracted my hand. I would stare at it for a few seconds & shrug it off. I didn’t find the need to care for insignificant things as such, when I just cared about being thin. I loved the way my clothes fit on me; my tummy was flat, I had a thigh gap, thin arms, collarbones.

At this point, I’d just be eating one time a week. Usually on the weekends, when my parents were insistent for us to go out to eat as a family. As I ate my meal, hesitantly, I started to feel famished. To be fair, I was. I lost control over myself & began to binge eat. I kept eating, eating, and eating. My mind lost any rationality in that moment & all I could think about was food. I needed food. After my binge settled, my stomach was hurting. It felt like someone was tearing the walls of my stomach apart. My stomach was bloated; it looked like I was nine months pregnant. I’ve developed bulimia.

I grew to be ashamed for losing control over food. I’d slap myself in the mirror, poke at the “fat” on my stomach & thighs. I looked like a skeleton, yet I couldn’t see that. My face was sunken, my hair was wirey & thin. Not to mention the loud pangs of hunger that I’d get, they were vicious & excruciating. I felt so weak. All I could think about was food. I didn’t have the energy to get up from my bed, I’d just lay there. I genuinely wanted to die. It was unbearable.

I’d binge at least twice a week. The rest of the days, I’d spend them starving myself; “punishing” myself for losing control. It was a vicious cycle. I couldn’t break out of it. I felt like a prisoner to anorexia. Even while taking a shower, my vision would blacken suddenly & the pressure of the water was too much for my sunken body. I was able to count every rib I had. My hands & feet were always so cold to the touch; I had to constantly wear multiple layers of clothing to feel any emulation of warmth.

At one point, I grew so sick of having anorexia. I wanted out of it. So, by myself, I started to eat breakfast. I was so hesitant & so scared to gain weight; at my worst, I was 86 pounds at 5’6 or 39KG at 167CM. It was a hard process, I had to constrain myself from binging. Each time I felt the urge to binge, I’d lock myself in my room until it was time to eat lunch. I slowly came around, and started to gain healthy weight. I hated it at first, but I decided to start exercising as well. For the first time, I started to feel motivated. I felt… happy? I felt like I was on cloud 9. By myself, I beat anorexia. My parents never found out about it, although they’d put the clues together on their own.

Now, I’m happy; I turn 15 soon. I’m genuinely really happy. I’m proud of myself for doing a feat that unfortunately, many never get to accomplish. It was severe, but I’ve recovered from anorexia & bulimia. Now, I eat three meals a day, with snacking in between. Within that, I also workout. To me, and those who’ve / are suffering through disordered eating, we know that it’s a battle within yourself that no one else understands. You don’t want help, and I get that. I was just like you. I just want you to remember that it’s the process of changing your mindset with food & with yourself. I know that it’s cliché to say it, but you’re so damn beautiful. Don’t destroy your body for an “ideal body.”


Please.. just consider my words, okay? I’m proud of you. I’m so, so proud of you.


HELPLINE:
(800) 931-2237


NOTE: I left out a lot of key details to my story for the sake of the length it was developing.

Dietician 03/25/22
Hi Kyoskat- Good for you for taking that important step to get help and do the work to nourish your body and mind. I am glad you are doing better and I am sure this journey to regain health and start eating again has not been easy!

While tracking food and exercise can be valuable for users wanting to improve their health, it can reinforce unhealthy behaviors for those with or at risk for eating disorders. We at MyNetDiary take health very seriously and support healthy eating behaviors. https://www.mynetdiary.com/eating-disorders-food-tracking.html

Our terms and conditions prohibit anyone with an active eating disorder from using the app. Research has shown that tracking while struggling with an eating disorder can make things worse. Here are our terms and conditions for your review: https://www.mynetdiary.com/terms.html

I noticed you are 14 years old. Wow, you have been through so much for you age!
MyNetDiary does not allow anyone under 18 to use the app without the direct supervision of their parents or active caregivers. Do your parents know you are posting your story online? Please review our terms and conditions of use here: https://www.mynetdiary.com/terms.html

Please realize I am writing this out of concern for your health and wellbeing now and into the future. Please talk to your parents. Without their direct supervision, it is not best for you to be posting on this forum, even if it is meant to help others.

Best to you in your continued recovery~ Joanna (MyNetDiary Dietitian)

Getting help with disordered eating