Struggling with the Fear of Losing Weight Topic

Now-or-Never 02/02/15
I'm sure like many of you, I have been dieting my entire life. I feel like my day revolves around food always- as soon as I wake up, where I'm going to eat this weekend. I have had a few successful diets, but each only lost me ~20 lbs and then I'd stall and regain, plus more.


I'm at my heaviest now and it shows. Not only in my clothes but in the way I carry myself, the shame I feel when alone with my fiancée, the fact that I haven't actually looked in a full length mirror in a year.


The ironic part- I am actually the happiest I've ever been. At least in the sense that my life is the most stable it's ever been (traumatic childhood) and I am with an incredibly loving and supportive man that truly loves me and I truly love.


I finally told him last night that I need to lose this weight and he is supportive, but doesn't truly understand the breadth of the issue. He doesn't look at me and see that I'm actually obese according to my BMI. He doesn't look at my body and feel repulsed. He doesn't know the depth of the shame that I carry and the "weight" of my body.


I have been building the courage to talk to him about it for a couple weeks. For two reasons.

1. I knew that he would have a can-do response and shrug away the huge-ness of the undertaking. He doesn't really get that losing 90 lbs is more than a couple month goal.

2. I was afraid to commit myself to this goal, to someone I love, and fail again. At some point, you fail enough the attempts because more and more laughable.


We got engaged 6 months ago and part of the reason I wanted a long engagement was to give myself time to reach an acceptable weight. I could never spend the rest of my life looking at photos of the happiest day of my life, knowing that I would've been a lot happier had I been able to fit in a normal sized dress.


When my sister asked me when we're going to go try on dresses I said "in about 50 lbs"... and meant it. I cannot fathom going into that store and having to try on plus size wedding dresses! It's so vain... but it's more than the size, it's the fact that I've let myself down and allowed myself to ignore this issue long enough to create a true health problem.


What I need now is some focus, some will power, some planning and a lot of forgiveness of myself and any "mistakes" along the way.


Please share your story if you've ever practically given up and found the strength to keep fighting!

Struggling with the Fear of Losing Weight